Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Happy New Year

So, why haven't I been blogging?
For almost an entire year, 
a soul sucking ex-boy cat-octupus-devil monster had been messing with my brain.

True story

Anyway, let's talk about those New Year's lines we always see.

New Year, New Life

You waited for the year to end before you decided to change something. 
And you actually believe that next year, you will be 100 times better than you are right now.

Because anything is possible

Yeah, right. 
New Year, new life is the short version of, 
New Year, will floss for the first 2 weeks of 2013.

This is so easy, why have I been so lazy?

Oh yeah, I remember now. I pay people to fix me.

"Insert bible verse"

And this is my only response to that:

Good luck with that.

Be kind to me, 2013.

This is my favorite. 
2013, be kind to me as I choose to do crystal meth and eat dog shit.

And by the end of 2013, Facebook status would be:
L-O-L smiley face

And lastly,

According to Chinese magical dragon voodoo,
those born in the year of 
the unicorn pegasus pony
will have good fortune this year.

Well, that's perfect cause I was born in the year of the magical pony princess.

Ponies, motherfuckers.
Happy New Year!