School Dresscode

My school has a dresscode.

No shorts/skirts 3 inches above the knee

No low cut shirts

No sling sandals/flip flops

The problem is, that's my entire wardrobe.

I live in a tropical country.

Don't expect me to have long sleeved tops and thermal pants.

I don't want to buy clothes I don't want to wear so I make my own clothes work.

There are 3 ways I can get past the guards.

1. The Mermaid

Low-cut shirt?

Cover with hair!

But I have short hair now so fuck

2. Ghetto Ass Asian

Short bottoms?

Pull it down!

I quote Ludacris "How low can you go?"

3. Shawshank Redemption

Wrong footwear?

Make a run for it!

I hide under the stairs until they stop looking for me

All these methods have been tried and tested.

 It may not work for you, but it definitely works for me.

Chicken Dinner

The other day, I decided to cook dinner.

The thing is, I can't cook.

I've tried, but it never tasted the way it should.

Or it's completely burnt.

This is what happened.

Me: I'm gonna cook dinner!

Dad and brother: Silence

Mother of god, not again

So I went to the kitchen and started preparing..

Cooking mama

Suddenly, my dad pops up out of nowhere and looks at what I'm doing.

He pointed to what was on the table and said,

That's onions.

I was a bit offended.

I know what onions are.

I can't cook, but I can tell onions from potatoes.

Winner winner chicken dinner

The food came out pretty decent.

I felt proud.

And so we sat down on the table and as my dad sliced it.

Oops

Blood.

It was extremely raw.

Holiday Feast

My Christmas always starts the same.

Every year, I would refuse to overeat.

But then an adorable slice of cake begs me to eat it.

I think about it.

I think very hard.

I make my decision.

After a few minutes...

And after that....

Finally..

So to summarize this story,

My Christmas always ends the same too.

Happy Holidays everyone! Eat lots and be merry!

Self Awareness

Everyone unconsciously lie to themselves.

You look at yourself in the mirror and you think "Wow. Not bad at all."

Mirrors lie

So, you go out feeling like a million bucks cause you think look good.

I demand attention commoners!

Then you pose for pictures.

Complete with pouty lips and hand on the hips.

Bitch, I'm fabulous

When the pictures come out..

It's completely different.

My hand wasn't even on my hip

You think,

Since when did I start looking like a crack whore?

The worst kind is when you see a video of yourself.

Your voice that you think is so magnificent, so sweet, and so magical...

I sound like Fergie and Jesus combined

It actually causes brain damage to people and death to animals.

Gifts from Santa

When I was a kid, I would ask Santa for the same thing every year.

A dalmatian.

I believe it was from watching 101 Dalmatians.

Woof woof

I never got a Dalmatian from Santa though.

I guess elves didn't make dogs.

Hammer them heads on the doggies

I still got gifts, but for some reason it was never wrapped.

It was always in a plastic bag with my name on it.

And my name was spelled wrong.

Maybe the elves were excited to take their break so they rushed my gift.

That or my parents don't know my name.

Nah, just kidding.

Everyone knows Santa is real.

(I think I have kid readers)

YAAAAAY!!

Good times.

I still remember my favorite gift from Santa.

It was a pink teddy bear as big as me.

Oh my gosh teddy bear! We're gonna be bestfriends forever!!

Merry Christmas!

Twilight

It's Twilight season!

Personally, I am not a fan of Twilight.

But I don't want to be so negative about it to respect the Twihards Twilight fans.

So I made a list of ways to look at Twilight and make it bearable.

It could be a movie about a love triangle 

between a girl with Asperger's syndrome, a constipated sparkly vampire, and a Llama.

It could be a movie about a horny necrophiliac teenager.

It could be a movie about an overly loving dog.

And lastly,

It' could be a movie about a group of guys who can't afford to buy shirts

Every Person's Worst Nightmare

Just woke up.

Going to brush teeth.

Wrong toothbrush.