Anatomy of a Horror Movie

I classify horror movies into two categories, American horror movies and Asian horror movies. I'm not racist or anything, I just can't remember seeing any horror movie from Europe. Well, Shaun of the Dead if you count that. Awesome movie by the way.

Anyway, I noticed that American horror movies always consist of the following:

OMG. There's like a killer. Like.

The story is very simple, masked psychopath knows what the sexy boobie girl did last summer so he gets his axe and runs after her. Girl doesn't die, but loses a lot of clothes on the way. Token black guy dies.

This is what Asian horror movie consists of:

Weird but works for me

Asian horror movies have a more complex storyline. The story goes on and on, but it's basically about nothing yet it effectively scares the crap out of everyone. ... Or maybe just me. The movie involves long haired scary as fuck Asian chicks who come out randomly from different household items. They make odd sounds too, like a Lurch from The Addam's Family.

The Anti-Joke

Knock knock

Who's there? Dave

Dave who?

Dave's eyes filled with tears as he realized that his grandmother's Alzheimer's disease has gotten even worse. His memories with the her, flashed before his eyes and he couldn't help, but cry.

In the beginning (what really happened)

There are so many theories about how everything started or as some say created.

This is what really really happened.

First there were dinosaurs on a planet.

Dinoland

 

 

They were very happy. They had everything they needed on their planet.

Suddenly,

Bang bang baby

Something fucking exploded.

Then this bearded man who may or may not exist made human in his image and likeness.

Look like me. LOL.

And he was happy with what he created.

So the dinosaurs, the human beings, and everything lived harmoniously in space.

The universe

Makes sense right?

Finding your talent

They say everyone is good at something. I haven't found what I'm good at yet. I've tried a lot of things, but I just seem to suck at everything.

When I was younger, I enrolled in voice lessons. I can't fucking sing. The sound of my voice triggers convulsions and animal death.

Death by singing

I also tried playing an instrument, the guitar. I enrolled in a class. I loved it at first.

Music maker

I thought I found what I could be good at. All it takes is practice right?

I was wrong.

Cobwebb

I didn't get any better. I was no better my10 year old classmate who could play at his age level.

He's probably so good at it now.

I also tried to bake. I bought ingredients to make the bestest cake evar.

In my head, I would make one of these:

Heavenly

I thought it would be nice to make something that everyone would love and look forward to.

But then again...

Cake from hell

Don't even get me started about sports.

Me and sports

Maybe it is possible to not be good at something.

Nah, I'll keep searching.

For now, I shall brag about my mediocre MS Paint skills.

Look at this bitches

Hah. Better than nothing.

If animals could talk

I'm sure animals hated us at some point. If they could speak, I think this is what they would say.

Pissed off pony

Factual cat

Silenced by the sheep

My dog

Llama of death

Famished parrot

Horrible Lyrics

This entry is about the worst lyrics in the music industry aka Ke$ha.

Ke$ha (with the dollar sign) is a reminiscent of a Dirrrty Christina Aguilera. The difference is, she can't sing. She has blonde hair messy skankish hair and has worn a garbage bag to award shows. Really.

Ke-dollar sign-sha

She is known for the songs Blah Blah Blah and Tik Tok. Yes, her vocabulary consists of those words.

Anyway, this is a sample of her lyrics:

Ke$ha keeping it classy

Lovely. Just wonderful. Little girls growing up listening to this. When I was a little girl, I listened to groups of handsome young men singing as they toss their gorgeous long hair.

If a line of her lyrics happend in real life, I imagine it to be like this:

So I sleep as an Asian girl.

Zzzzzzzz...

Then I wake up, feeling like P.Diddy.

Wake up in the morning feelin like P. Diddy

Oh to wake up in the morning feeling like a 40 something rich black man. It must be awesome.. I think.

While feeling like P.Diddy, I eat breakfast with my family.

Motherfuckin cheerios

Then I hang out with my friends.

Baby girl, Imma wifey you

Awesome.

Combination Theory

The theory, well my theory is that some creatures are the result of oddly combined other things.

The majestic unicorn

Unicorn

It is the result of a horse and a rhino falling in love.

Forbidden love

The Chowchow

Is it a bear? Is it a dog?

It is the love child of a dog and a teddy bear.

dog humps teddy bear

The Llama

The cutest animal in the world in my opinion

It is the result of an alien invasion.

ET loves ostrich

And lastly,

The Mermaid

Mermaid

It is the result of some kind of aquatic life bestiality.

Flipper