In the beginning (what really happened)

There are so many theories about how everything started or as some say created.

This is what really really happened.

First there were dinosaurs on a planet.

Dinoland

 

 

They were very happy. They had everything they needed on their planet.

Suddenly,

Bang bang baby

Something fucking exploded.

Then this bearded man who may or may not exist made human in his image and likeness.

Look like me. LOL.

And he was happy with what he created.

So the dinosaurs, the human beings, and everything lived harmoniously in space.

The universe

Makes sense right?

Finding your talent

They say everyone is good at something. I haven't found what I'm good at yet. I've tried a lot of things, but I just seem to suck at everything.

When I was younger, I enrolled in voice lessons. I can't fucking sing. The sound of my voice triggers convulsions and animal death.

Death by singing

I also tried playing an instrument, the guitar. I enrolled in a class. I loved it at first.

Music maker

I thought I found what I could be good at. All it takes is practice right?

I was wrong.

Cobwebb

I didn't get any better. I was no better my10 year old classmate who could play at his age level.

He's probably so good at it now.

I also tried to bake. I bought ingredients to make the bestest cake evar.

In my head, I would make one of these:

Heavenly

I thought it would be nice to make something that everyone would love and look forward to.

But then again...

Cake from hell

Don't even get me started about sports.

Me and sports

Maybe it is possible to not be good at something.

Nah, I'll keep searching.

For now, I shall brag about my mediocre MS Paint skills.

Look at this bitches

Hah. Better than nothing.

If animals could talk

I'm sure animals hated us at some point. If they could speak, I think this is what they would say.

Pissed off pony

Factual cat

Silenced by the sheep

My dog

Llama of death

Famished parrot

Horrible Lyrics

This entry is about the worst lyrics in the music industry aka Ke$ha.

Ke$ha (with the dollar sign) is a reminiscent of a Dirrrty Christina Aguilera. The difference is, she can't sing. She has blonde hair messy skankish hair and has worn a garbage bag to award shows. Really.

Ke-dollar sign-sha

She is known for the songs Blah Blah Blah and Tik Tok. Yes, her vocabulary consists of those words.

Anyway, this is a sample of her lyrics:

Ke$ha keeping it classy

Lovely. Just wonderful. Little girls growing up listening to this. When I was a little girl, I listened to groups of handsome young men singing as they toss their gorgeous long hair.

If a line of her lyrics happend in real life, I imagine it to be like this:

So I sleep as an Asian girl.

Zzzzzzzz...

Then I wake up, feeling like P.Diddy.

Wake up in the morning feelin like P. Diddy

Oh to wake up in the morning feeling like a 40 something rich black man. It must be awesome.. I think.

While feeling like P.Diddy, I eat breakfast with my family.

Motherfuckin cheerios

Then I hang out with my friends.

Baby girl, Imma wifey you

Awesome.

Combination Theory

The theory, well my theory is that some creatures are the result of oddly combined other things.

The majestic unicorn

Unicorn

It is the result of a horse and a rhino falling in love.

Forbidden love

The Chowchow

Is it a bear? Is it a dog?

It is the love child of a dog and a teddy bear.

dog humps teddy bear

The Llama

The cutest animal in the world in my opinion

It is the result of an alien invasion.

ET loves ostrich

And lastly,

The Mermaid

Mermaid

It is the result of some kind of aquatic life bestiality.

Flipper

Food Groups

Do you remember that class when you were taught what you should eat per day? Well, let me remind you.

greengoddess teacher mode

I forgot the servings per day though. Let me explain it further.

 So there's the group for everything that tastes like chicken.

Bitches love chickens

The group for things that you really shouldn't eat.

NOM NOM NOM

Oh how I love this group. My sweet tooth caused me 2 root canals. Hah.

And lastly the food group that makes you feel like a donkey.

Donkeys love carrots

Do people really follow that food pyramid?

I never met anyone who ate like this per meal.

Healthy as a race horse meal

 

 

Maybe I have a well balanced meal once or twice a year. I normally eat junk. Junk meaning, everything that tastes good. Especially for us college students, lunch and dinner means anything that delivers. So our meals look more like this,

Diabetus, soda of the champions

Appetizing isn't it?

 

Things we lie to ourselves about

1. I will never drink again

As Friday, the day we all look forward to comes, our weekend mentality acts up. 

The weekend mentality

We feel a need to hang out with our friends and drink like there's no tomorrow. As the night wears on, we get drunk out of our senses. We feel a high that makes us feel nothing is embarrassing and nothing is impossible. Oh alcohol.. How I love you right at this moment.

And then...

All sparkly wonderful things break lose

The alcohol rises up to our throats and the gag reflex kicks in. 

This is the moment where you start regretting everything.

Remorse

It hits you. I will never drink again.

You feel like crap after vomiting, you've embarrassed yourself, and you have a terrible hang over the day after.

But then again..

Weekend mentality

You take back everything you said.. and say it again later.

2. I will start a diet 

Shirts feel tighter and jeans are suddenly hard to pull up. What happened? You gained weight.

NOOOOOOO. Oh yes.

You stare at the mirror and you hate what you see.

Stick figure in a thicker perspective

So you eat healthier and start exercising.

Eye of the tiger

Which lasts for about a week.

NOM NOM NOM

When I grow up..

When I was a kid, I wanted to learn ballet. I said I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up. Yep, I was the typical 5 year old girl wearing all pink with ribbons on my hair. Very cute indeed. I never got to learn ballet though and I can't remember why. I also said that I wanted to be a veterinarian. I've always loved animals. I had tons of pets growing up. I had hamsters, bunnies, parakeets, doves, a turtle, and I cried over each of their deaths (I hope they're happy in Rainbow Bridge) for weeks. One day as a naive child, I had a brilliant idea to combine both professions. I wanted to become a ballerina veterinarian.

Move over black swan, you've got nothing on me.

  At 20 years old, I believe I'm wise enough to say that this childhood dream of mine is impossible. 

I'd really like to become a crunk marine biologist though.

Crunk marine biologist in the house y'all

The power of the upvote

Behold the upvote!!

One cannot explain the power it holds. What is it with this direction signs that got redditors so crazy? Is it a craving for approval? Does it satisfy the need to be liked? Some say upvotes make them feel witty and funny. Some say upvotes just mean your opinion is approved by the majority. 

I personally believe it has the power to call unicorns.

If reddit was a show, it would be like Whose Line is it Anyway? 

Welcome to reddit, where everything is made up and the points don't matter! 

But honestly, I like my upvotes. I like them a lot. It's my little daily boost of confidence.

Pssshh. Call me a karma whore all you want. You can't take my 50,000 comment karma away from me.

I envy dogs

 Their life is so simple. They sleep when they want to and eat when they want to. 

They probably even eat in their dreams.

Their biggest problem in life is a three letter creature.

They find happiness in the simplest of objects such as socks and newspaper.

And lastly, they manage to get away with the most henious crimes.

Those who can resist sad dog eyes and a wagging tail isn't human at all.

Happy 6th birthday to the darling dog in my life, Chibi aka greendogess.