Internship

Right now, my life is like the best episode of a show entitled 

"You Gotta be Fucking Kidding Me."

Why?

Because fuck my internship.

That's why.

Every day feels like this

My duties as an intern includes converting word files to pdf.

And converting more word files to pdf.

 I know it sounds easy, but it's not.

I have to convert them manually one by one.

Why?

Because fuck my internship.

I do this 9 hours a day.

Converting word files to pdf for more than 30 hours a week.

ASS CRAMPS EVERY SINGLE DAY

That's not even the best part of my internship.

Okay, think of the worst job you've ever had in your entire life.

Whether it was working to destroy mankind

Shame on you

Or working as a male stripper in a gay bear bar.

You really had to pay the bills

At least you got paid.

Fly magpie

And I eat off the garbage.

What bullshit.

Whatever.

One day, I'm gonna buy China and conquer the world.

Happy New Year

So, why haven't I been blogging?

For almost an entire year, 

a soul sucking ex-boy cat-octupus-devil monster had been messing with my brain.

True story

Anyway, let's talk about those New Year's lines we always see.

New Year, New Life

You waited for the year to end before you decided to change something. 

And you actually believe that next year, you will be 100 times better than you are right now.

Because anything is possible

Yeah, right. 

New Year, new life is the short version of, 

New Year, will floss for the first 2 weeks of 2013.

This is so easy, why have I been so lazy?

Oh yeah, I remember now. I pay people to fix me.

"Insert bible verse"

And this is my only response to that:

Sure.

Good luck with that.

Be kind to me, 2013.

This is my favorite. 

2013, be kind to me as I choose to do crystal meth and eat dog shit.

And by the end of 2013, Facebook status would be:

L-O-L smiley face

And lastly,

According to Chinese magical dragon voodoo,

those born in the year of 

the unicorn pegasus pony

will have good fortune this year.

Well, that's perfect cause I was born in the year of the magical pony princess.

Ponies, motherfuckers.

Happy New Year!

School Dresscode

My school has a dresscode.

No shorts/skirts 3 inches above the knee

No low cut shirts

No sling sandals/flip flops

The problem is, that's my entire wardrobe.

I live in a tropical country.

Don't expect me to have long sleeved tops and thermal pants.

I don't want to buy clothes I don't want to wear so I make my own clothes work.

There are 3 ways I can get past the guards.

1. The Mermaid

Low-cut shirt?

Cover with hair!

But I have short hair now so fuck

2. Ghetto Ass Asian

Short bottoms?

Pull it down!

I quote Ludacris "How low can you go?"

3. Shawshank Redemption

Wrong footwear?

Make a run for it!

I hide under the stairs until they stop looking for me

All these methods have been tried and tested.

 It may not work for you, but it definitely works for me.

Chicken Dinner

The other day, I decided to cook dinner.

The thing is, I can't cook.

I've tried, but it never tasted the way it should.

Or it's completely burnt.

This is what happened.

Me: I'm gonna cook dinner!

Dad and brother: Silence

Mother of god, not again

So I went to the kitchen and started preparing..

Cooking mama

Suddenly, my dad pops up out of nowhere and looks at what I'm doing.

He pointed to what was on the table and said,

That's onions.

I was a bit offended.

I know what onions are.

I can't cook, but I can tell onions from potatoes.

Winner winner chicken dinner

The food came out pretty decent.

I felt proud.

And so we sat down on the table and as my dad sliced it.

Oops

Blood.

It was extremely raw.

Holiday Feast

My Christmas always starts the same.

Every year, I would refuse to overeat.

But then an adorable slice of cake begs me to eat it.

I think about it.

I think very hard.

I make my decision.

After a few minutes...

And after that....

Finally..

So to summarize this story,

My Christmas always ends the same too.

Happy Holidays everyone! Eat lots and be merry!

Self Awareness

Everyone unconsciously lie to themselves.

You look at yourself in the mirror and you think "Wow. Not bad at all."

Mirrors lie

So, you go out feeling like a million bucks cause you think look good.

I demand attention commoners!

Then you pose for pictures.

Complete with pouty lips and hand on the hips.

Bitch, I'm fabulous

When the pictures come out..

It's completely different.

My hand wasn't even on my hip

You think,

Since when did I start looking like a crack whore?

The worst kind is when you see a video of yourself.

Your voice that you think is so magnificent, so sweet, and so magical...

I sound like Fergie and Jesus combined

It actually causes brain damage to people and death to animals.

Gifts from Santa

When I was a kid, I would ask Santa for the same thing every year.

A dalmatian.

I believe it was from watching 101 Dalmatians.

Woof woof

I never got a Dalmatian from Santa though.

I guess elves didn't make dogs.

Hammer them heads on the doggies

I still got gifts, but for some reason it was never wrapped.

It was always in a plastic bag with my name on it.

And my name was spelled wrong.

Maybe the elves were excited to take their break so they rushed my gift.

That or my parents don't know my name.

Nah, just kidding.

Everyone knows Santa is real.

(I think I have kid readers)

YAAAAAY!!

Good times.

I still remember my favorite gift from Santa.

It was a pink teddy bear as big as me.

Oh my gosh teddy bear! We're gonna be bestfriends forever!!

Merry Christmas!